Linda Walls

My children’s wake was on my birthday, and I was mentally wiped out of existence. Although distraught, fighting to hold on to my cognitive abilities, my memories, and to not drown in a sea of despair, I forged on to function in the memories of my children. To write, to spell, whether it was grammatically correct or not, was not a simple feat for me, to create at all was a miracle, a blessing from God.

 

November 22, 1990, 11:52 a.m.

I had it all – the love of my four children-

I know what LOVE is!

I know what it feels like to love. To give and receive as pure as the air blows freely.

I know what it feels to cry with no tears. To feel the agony of hurt with no care given for my hurt.

I know how it feels to cry for the death of one in the fear of losing a sick child. To watch your child – so weak, in so much pain- and to hear this child say, “Mommy I don’t want to live with this pain anymore.” I know how it feels to think, “God please let my baby live, please let him get better, please don’t let him die.” I know how it feels to think of my three children at home hurting, because their brother is in so much pain, so sick. I know how it feels to watch three big brown eyed scared little girls tell their brother that they love him, that he will get better. I know how it feels to think, “I don’t want to live if he dies, to see yourself screaming out of control from the hurt and pain of the possibilities that my baby is lying here dying in so much pain.” I know how it feels to promise my child that he would live a happy life.”

I know how it feels to promise my child that he would live a happy life.

 I know how it feels to leave my kids safely at home, and to return an hour later to the bright lights of fire, and siren lights surrounding my house. I know how it feels to look at my house seeing body bags coming from my children’s window, knowing it’s my children in those bags. I know how it feels to be held back away from my dying baby – to not be allowed to get close enough to her to call her name, Justina! I know how it feels to watch my baby be taken to a hospital and not be allowed to accompany her. I know how it feels to be taken to a hospital to be put in an emergency room with people ready to dope you up- so that you don’t feel nothing. 

I know how it feels to say “no, there’s nothing wrong with me! It’s my kids that need help!” 



 I know how it feels to be told that you were brought to the hospital where your three dead children were, while your baby lay dying alone in an emergency room across the river.  

 I know how it feels to be taken to the morgue to identify your three children, and want to be there with them to kiss, hug, and cry goodbye, but know that you haven’t the time. That time was of essence to make it to the bedside of my dying baby- to hope that- maybe your presence will give her the will, and the strength to live. I know how it feels to know that my baby died before I could reach her, hold her, and kiss her goodbye. Why? Because others thought I should be sedated. Others thought it was more important that I identify my children bodies, than my wants, my needs to have reached my baby before she died.

Yes, I know how it feels to cry from the possibilities of one child dying, but to arrive and be face with the reality of losing all four of my children to death at one time. I know how it feels to know that I must cry, and grieve the loss of my children in a control way, because the doctors were on hand to dope the feelings of my loss away.

 I know how it feels to know that I had no control. My children were all dead. There’s nothing I could do about it. Yes, I know how it feels to be surrounded with the deaths of all of my children at one time, and to watch everyone cry in pain for the loss of my children.

Yes I know what love is!

November 22, 1990

Lost without you!

Life is what you make of it! You might not always have control of everything that happens in your life. But you have to make the best of it. Smile and live for the love of living. Make the best out of everything. Make good out of everything – give LOVE!